reach for something that's already gone...

What's On: Daughtry - September

Gods.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. For a while - back in March, when I first found myself confronted with the 'Quit Now or Die' feeling at Dollar General, and I thought, I've been a manager. I've got a car. I'll be fine.

I quit. I wasn't fine. It was two months before I found another job, and I only had that one for a month before they fired me because two guys in Enforcement stole some money, and I had a shoplifting charge on my background check.

Disregarding the fact that it was SEVEN. GOD. DAMNED. YEARS. AGO, and I've been perfect ever since - maybe not as perfect as I could be, not getting a job fast enough, being too depressed over everything, not going to school when I had the chance, or working harder to get my license sooner...

But no more trouble.

While I was at DG, for a while it was perfect. I was going to move in with my friend, and all I needed was a car. So I got the license, I got the car. Then it broke down, and I couldn't move. Then I got it back, but I quit and it broke down again. So I still couldn't move.

I got a cell phone, a credit card that made the license and the cell phone possible.

But I quit. Because it was quit or I was going to get myself arrested for screaming and throwing things at customers, or fired because I screamed and threw things at my manager, or just end up dead because I was going to kill myself because EVERYTHING. FUCKING. SUCKED.

So I was fired because I was involved with a bad person seven years ago. And then I had interviews and interviews and job offers, but the second they got a look at that background check, they see SHOPLIFTING and don't look at the fact that it was seven years ago, don't ask me if I was involved, just say "SORRY, YOU FUCKING SUCK."

The only thing that looked past the shoplifting was a telemarketing, and on the first day I almost cried because I could feel my soul going away with each person that picked up the phone, and I quit that too.

My car still isn't working, the guy I paid to fix it hasn't been back in a month, and if he weren't a longtime friend of my aunts I'd be calling the cops, dragging his ass into court, saying I GAVE THIS FUCKER MONEY TO FIX MY CAR AND HE HASN'T DONE SHIT, I NEED MY GODDAMN CAR!

Now my phone isn't working. Its not keeping a charge, its not charging at all right now, its just flashing white and the little light that usually flashes to let me know what's going on with it is just solid, unblinking.

I don't have any money. I mowed a friend's yard for twenty five dollars but I'm so stressed out by my lack of car, lack of phone LACK OF JOB wtf is WRONG with me that EVERYTHING I TOUCH BREAKS? that I've been smoking too much, and it won't last much longer.

My phone bill is three months behind - I owe them three hundred dollars, probably more now, and I can't pay that, or my car payment, or my personal property tax on the car, the car needs to be inspected next month, I'm falling APART.

I've been thinking here... If I stop eating, I'll get thinner. If I stop smoking, I'll be healthier. Both of those things will kill me, but right now, right this second, I want to start working out, for hours at a time, just do nothing but pushups and situps and squats and do anything at all to lose weight because if I can't get a job or go to school, I may as well be thin, right? At least then I might get into the military, which I don't want to do, but god! It's got to be better than nothing.

And I like being told what to do - occasionally, depends on who's doing the telling and what they're saying - so boot camp, with nothing but someone telling me how to do everything, I think that'd be okay, and maybe they'd pay me, and money, that's all I need, is something to pay my bills, someone to look past the fact that I did ONE WRONG THING,

SEVEN YEARS AGO

just look past it and maybe take a chance on me, and give me the money to work everything out and maybe not have to die to stop smoking or be thin, and just


Help me.





This song came on my playlist just as I started typing this out. This song is the reason I'm in tears, because I've always thought It'll all work out in the end... Just wait it'll work out but every time I think, it's starting to work, it all falls apart, and I'm left in pieces again.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth putting myself back together again. Someone tell me if it's worth it?

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Will it be worth it in the end? I wonder.